Do Abusers Know They’re Abusive?

Introduction

Most abusers know what they are doing. What they usually don't do is call it abuse. As a therapist in Morgan, Utah, I hear some version of this question almost every week: "Does he really not see what he's doing to me?" The honest answer is that abusive behavior is rarely an accident or a blind spot. It grows out of beliefs about control and entitlement, and those beliefs come with a legit supply of excuses. If you are trying to make sense of a relationship that makes you confused, anxious, or stressed out constantly, there is support available. I offer a free 15-minute consultation for clients in person in Morgan and Mountain Green and telehealth anywhere in Utah.

I want to walk you through what's actually going on in the mind of someone who abuses, because understanding it can be one of the first steps toward trusting your own experience again.

Why Abuse Rarely Feels Like Abuse to the Person Doing It

People who abuse usually have a story that makes their behavior feel reasonable. They yelled because you "pushed their buttons." They checked your phone because you "gave them a reason." They went silent for three days because you "needed to learn." In their mind, they aren't the problem. They're reacting to the problem, and the problem is you.

That story does a lot of work. It lets them keep doing what gets them what they want while still seeing themselves as a good partner. Lundy Bancroft, who spent years counseling abusive men and wrote Why Does He Do That?, makes the case that abuse is less about anger or poor impulse control and more about values. The person believes they are entitled to be in charge, to have their needs come first, and to punish a partner who steps out of line. When you hold those beliefs, controlling behavior doesn't register as wrong. It registers as fair.

This is also why so many abusive partners can say "I would never abuse anyone" and mean it. They picture abuse as something dramatic and obvious, and what they do doesn't match the picture. Minimizing ("it wasn't that bad"), denying ("that never happened"), and blaming ("you made me") keep the story intact. If you have ever left an argument wondering whether you are the crazy one, that confusion is often the point. I wrote more about this pattern in my post on gaslighting and in signs of emotional abuse.

One Clue: Notice Where the Behavior Shows Up

Here's something I ask clients to pay attention to. Does your partner lose control at work? With their boss? In front of a police officer, their friends, or your parents? For most abusive partners, the answer is no. They are calm and charming in public and save the cruelty for when the door is closed.

That tells us something important. Someone who can switch the behavior off around certain people is making choices about when, where, and with whom. They know enough to hide it. They know enough to apologize afterward, buy flowers, or become suddenly sweet when you start pulling away. That cycle of tension, blowup, and making up is not random. It keeps you hoping and keeps you close.

I'm not saying every abusive person sits down and plans each move. Many have learned these patterns early, often in homes where control looked normal. But learned doesn't mean unaware, and it definitely doesn't mean it's yours to fix.

How Common Is This, Really?

If you're in a relationship like this, it can feel like you are the only one. You are not. According to the CDC's most recent National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, more than 1 in 3 women (34%) and about 1 in 6 men (17%) in the United States have experienced physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by a partner. Nearly 1 in 3 women (30.2%) and more than 1 in 5 men (22.3%) have experienced psychological aggression from a partner, which includes humiliation, insults, and coercive control.

The numbers here at home are just as sobering. The Utah Department of Health and Human Services reports in its 2026 intimate partner violence fact sheet that 1 in 3 Utah women will experience intimate partner violence in her lifetime. The state also reports that 1 in 3 homicides in Utah is related to domestic violence.

Even those figures leave a lot out. Utah's fact sheet notes that its injury data doesn't capture emotional abuse at all, and many people never report what happens to them because of shame, fear, or not being sure it "counts." Abuse happens in small towns like ours and in families that look perfect from the outside.

Can an Abusive Partner Change?

It's possible, but it is less common than most of us hope, and it never happens because the other person loved them harder. Real change starts when the abusive person stops explaining and starts owning. That means naming what they did without adding "but you," accepting consequences without punishing you for them, and doing the work over a long period of time, usually in a specialized program for people who abuse.

It helps to know the difference between change and a performance of change. Change looks like consistent respect when no one is watching, patience with your feelings, and no pressure to forgive on their timeline. A performance looks like big apologies, promises, tears, and a sudden interest in therapy that fades once you've agreed to stay. If the "new" behavior only shows up when you threaten to leave, that's information worth trusting.

Why Couples Therapy Usually Isn't the First Step

I do a lot of couples therapy in Morgan, and I believe in it. But when there is abuse in a relationship, couples counseling can make things worse. It assumes two people with equal power working on shared problems. In an abusive relationship, the power isn't equal, and what you say honestly in session can be used against you on the drive home.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline generally advises against couples counseling while abuse is ongoing for this reason. What usually helps first is individual therapy, where you have a safe place to sort out what's happening, rebuild trust in your own perceptions, and plan your next steps on your own terms.

Getting Support in Morgan and Across Utah

Whether you're still in the relationship, recently out, or years past it and still feeling the effects, therapy can help you make sense of what happened and find your footing again. Many of my clients come in for anxiety or depression and only later realize how much of it traces back to a controlling relationship. My work in relationship healing draws on IFS, ACT, DBT, and trauma-focused CBT, and I go at a pace that feels safe for you.

I see clients in person in Morgan and serve Mountain Green, Weber County, Davis County, and Salt Lake County, with telehealth available anywhere in Utah. Online sessions can also be a safer option if it's hard to explain where you're going.

I'm in-network with SelectHealth, Regence BlueCross BlueShield, PEHP, Aetna, UnitedHealthcare/Optum, Medicare, and Utah Medicaid, so cost doesn't have to stand in the way. You can find details on my fees and insurance page.

When you're ready, book a free 15-minute consultation or reach out through my contact page. You can also learn more about me and how I work.

If You Need Help Right Now

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. The Utah Domestic Violence LINKLine is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day at 1-800-897-5465, and the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition can connect you with shelters and advocates across the state. You can also reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline any time at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.

If you're worried someone monitors your phone or computer, consider using a device they can't access when you look for help. You deserve to be safe, and you deserve to be believed.