The holidays can make you sad because they shine a spotlight on everything that hurts. They amplify grief and loneliness, stir up old family stress, pile on financial and social pressure, and arrive during the darkest weeks of the year, when shorter days can drag your mood down. Add the expectation that you're supposed to feel joyful, and the gap between how you feel and how you think you should feel makes the sadness even heavier. If that's you, I want you to hear this first: nothing is wrong with you.
You're also in good company. In the American Psychiatric Association's 2025 Healthy Minds Poll, 41% of adults said they expected more holiday stress than the year before, and the most common worry was missing someone or grieving a loved one, named by 48% of people. Earlier research from the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 64% of people living with a mental health condition like depression or anxiety said the holidays made their symptoms worse.
Let's walk through why this season hits so hard, what actually helps, and how to tell when it's time to reach out for more support.
Why the Holidays Can Feel So Hard
Grief gets louder
The holidays are built around the people we love, which means they also shine a light on who's missing. An empty chair at the table, a stocking no one hangs anymore, a recipe that never tastes quite right without them. Grief doesn't take the season off. If anything, it tends to show up uninvited right in the middle of it, sometimes years after a loss.
And grief isn't only about death. Divorce, estrangement, infertility, a move, a diagnosis, or a relationship that changed this year can all make the holidays ache. Even losing a pet can make the season feel strangely empty, something I write about in how to cope with the grief of losing a pet. If you're carrying a loss this year, my post on what not to do while grieving may help you go a little easier on yourself.
The gap between expectation and reality
We carry a picture in our heads of what the holidays are supposed to look like. Warm, cozy, everyone getting along, everything going to plan. Real life rarely matches that picture, and the distance between the two can feel like personal failure. In NAMI's survey, more than half of people said they caught themselves comparing the present to happier times in the past. Trying to recreate a holiday from years ago, with people or circumstances that have changed, is a quick way to end up disappointed.
Family stuff comes back up
Going home for the holidays can drop you right back into old roles. You might be a capable, grounded adult the rest of the year and suddenly feel 14 again the minute you walk through your parents' door. Old tension, unspoken hurt, and that one relative who always says something can make a single dinner feel exhausting. In the APA poll, about a third of adults named challenging family dynamics as a top holiday worry.
If you tend to keep the peace by keeping everyone else happy, the holidays can be especially draining. That pattern often has roots in fawning or codependency, and it tends to go into overdrive when the whole family is under one roof.
Comparison and loneliness
Social media this time of year is a highlight reel of matching pajamas, perfect trees, and smiling families. It's easy to scroll through that and decide everyone else has it figured out. Loneliness can hit whether you're spending the holidays alone or sitting in a room full of people who don't really see you. Nearly a third of adults in the APA poll said being lonely was one of their biggest holiday worries.
Money and pressure
Gifts, travel, hosting, and a calendar packed with events can stretch both your budget and your nervous system thin. Close to half of adults told the APA they were worried about affording or finding gifts. When you're running on empty, there's not much room left for joy, and it's easy to feel guilty for not being more grateful.
Less daylight
Here in northern Utah, we lose a lot of daylight by December. Shorter days affect your sleep, energy, and mood. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, seasonal affective disorder is more common the farther north you live, and it's tied to changes in daylight rather than holiday stress itself. So sometimes what feels like holiday sadness is partly your body reacting to the dark. If that sounds familiar, take a look at the symptoms of severe seasonal depression and how to beat seasonal affective disorder.
What Actually Helps
Start by giving yourself permission to feel how you feel. Trying to force cheer usually backfires and leaves you feeling worse, because now you're sad and also mad at yourself for being sad. You can feel heavy and still show up for the parts of the season that matter to you. Both things can be true at the same time.
Next, lower the bar. The holidays don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. Pick the two or three things that actually matter to you this year and let the rest go. Store-bought cookies count. So does a smaller gift list, and so does skipping the party you've been dreading.
It also helps to decide on your boundaries before you walk in the door. Know how long you'll stay, which topics you won't get into, and what you'll do if things get tense. Stepping outside for some air or taking a short drive is a completely reasonable plan. If certain people or situations reliably set you off, it can help to identify your triggers ahead of time so they don't catch you off guard.
If an old tradition hurts too much right now, try making a new one. When someone you love is gone, you might light a candle for them, cook their favorite dish, or share a story about them at dinner. Honoring them out loud often feels lighter than pretending everything is normal.
Take care of your body, too. Get outside during daylight when you can, even for ten minutes. Keep a steady sleep schedule, move your body in a way that feels good, and go easy on alcohol, which tends to make low moods lower. If your mind races once the house gets quiet, these tips for anxiety at night can help.
Take a break from the scroll. If social media leaves you feeling like everyone else is having a better holiday, give yourself permission to log off for a few days. Nobody's highlight reel shows the arguments in the car on the way to grandma's.
Finally, reach out to one person. You don't need a big gathering. A phone call, a walk with a friend, or a coffee with someone who gets it can take a lot of the weight off. Helping someone else, like volunteering or checking in on a neighbor who's alone, can also bring a quiet sense of connection when the season feels empty.
When It Might Be More Than the Holiday Blues
Holiday blues usually come and go and ease up once the season passes. It's worth paying closer attention if the sadness lasts more than two weeks, if you've lost interest in things you usually enjoy, or if it's affecting your sleep, appetite, work, or relationships. Those can be signs of depression, and depression is very treatable. If what you're feeling is more restless and wound up than sad, it may help to read is it anxiety or just stress?
If you're having thoughts of hurting yourself or that life isn't worth living, please reach out right away. You can call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline any time, day or night.
You Don't Have to Get Through This Season Alone
If the holidays are bringing up grief, old family hurt, or a heaviness you can't shake, talking with someone can help. At Stillbrook Counseling, I help people sort through what's weighing on them, build coping tools that actually fit their lives, and find more steadiness during hard seasons. I draw on approaches like CBT, DBT, ACT, and IFS, and if you're curious how those differ, I break it down in IFS vs. CBT.
I see clients in person in Morgan and serve Mountain Green, Weber County, Davis County, and Salt Lake County, with telehealth available anywhere in Utah. That means you can meet from home on a snowy evening without fighting the canyon roads.
Using your insurance for therapy
Cost shouldn't be the thing that keeps you from getting support. I'm in-network with SelectHealth, Regence BlueCross BlueShield, PEHP, Optum/UnitedHealthcare, Aetna, Medicare, and Medicaid, so for many people therapy costs only a copay or is fully covered. You can find details on my fees and insurance page, and my post on whether insurance covers therapy in Utah walks through what most plans pay for.
Not sure if therapy is right for you? Book a free 15-minute consultation and we can talk it through, no pressure. If you've never been to therapy before, here's what to expect in your first session.